the complexity of it all…

Last week I decided to ‘sort out all of my paperwork’ and categorise them:-

  • rubbish (black bin)
  • rubbish but has my name / details on it (shred)
  • important / recent data to keep (file)

This took quite sometime, as I’ve accumulated a lot of paperwork during the last few years – my years of denial!  Well, during my clear-out, I came across some old information which stunned me –

  • old bank statements a few years old which confirmed that I’ve been living in my ‘overdrafts’ on both my bank accounts far longer than I thought
  • credit card statements dating back from 2007 which I wasn’t even aware I had!

This proves one thing and one thing only – I’ve been literally ‘living’ in DENIAL for such a long time, I didn’t have any control of my money, even when I was ‘controlling’ my minimum payments / loans.

I have 2 main checking accounts, where one was always in a large overdraft and the other, which I was convinced I only started tapping into its overdraft during the last 6 months of this year.  However, the statement I found, going back since 2010, confirmed that I had already meddled into this particular account and had already maxed it out before.

In 2007 I thought I only had a loan outstanding, before I increased this loan to £20k (around $35,000).  However, again, as before, I found personal information which contradicted this.  A credit card statement which was already nearly £2k ($3,700) in the red.  How could this be?  How could I of got myself in such a state and not even remember?

Denial.

I was totally out of control and I didn’t even know it.  As long as I was paying my loan each month (and also making the minimum payments on at least 1 credit card that I am aware of), it wasn’t an issue to me.

Damn, this is so sad.  What a spiral of debt I was collecting, and yet I didn’t see it as an issue, and scarily I still cannot even remember these instances.  I obviously blocked it all from my memory, and only concentrated on the loan, and nothing else, as an issue.

How things have truly changed.  I’m so grateful that my eyes are open now, and I’m so damn angry right now.

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